you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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