dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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