You're so nebulous sometimes
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
