I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
