Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You're like the curious george of whores
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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