It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
