i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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