five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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