Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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