1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The best revenge is premature balding
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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