The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
