Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
