Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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