Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize