i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
