How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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