So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
