Rock
Scissors
Fuck
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
