Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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