It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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