Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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