I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
