i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
