Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
