My nipple is on Facebook.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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