even my farts smell like vagina
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
