Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
