You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
