You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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