I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize