Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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