I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
