Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm at about main and main street
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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