just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
