gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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