i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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