drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize