i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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