I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
