I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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