Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
