You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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