Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize