Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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