mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Small penises have feelings too.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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