She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
