I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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