your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize