Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
