do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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