i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize