every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
