ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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