i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Dick very happy bro
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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