I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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