tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
3pm strippers are depressing
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
