You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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