wrigley field is MILF paradise
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize