the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
