Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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