I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
