Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
