Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize