I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
