Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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