PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
