Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
