sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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