How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
