im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
