I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
