Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
