I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We left the knife in your bed.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
