I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
