the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
