Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
